Sometimes you see things that you can’t ever unsee. A terrible car accident. A snake eating its own tale. And now this: Donald Trump Jr. sitting on a stump in the woods.
On March 18, the New York Times Style section ran a profile of the president’s oldest son, called, “Donald Trump Jr. Is His Own Kind of Trump.” The article is about the 39-year-old businessman and family man who is now, along with his brother Eric, in charge of his father’s expansive business interests around the world. It’s also trying very hard to be about how “Don” Trump is way, way different than his dad.
Let’s meditate on this for a moment:
Donald Trump Jr. decided early on not to measure himself against his father https://t.co/JtvO6kzpla
— The New York Times (@nytimes) March 18, 2017
There were a lot of questions — a lot of questions — asked after the publication of this photograph. Such as:
- Wait, why is he in the woods?
- What’s with the boots? Is Trump Jr. so rich he buys boots from the future?
- While we’re asking about his boots, what’s with the flannel?
- While we’re asking about the flannel, what’s with those jeans?
- The crotch hand thing?
- Did we ask about the stump already?
And my favorite question of them all:
More: Donald Trump Jr. Has Got ‘Herds of Mothers’ Pretty Darn PO’d Right Now
But I have one question that I need to know the answer to above all other questions — and also a question that I believe may answer all of those other questions: How did this picture ever, ever, ever possibly get taken, edited and published in a newspaper?
I have a four theories. Ready?
Theory 1: Okay, the photographer is evil (or at least liberal)
I think this is the likely explanation: A New York Times photographer, who, like many Americans, is a bit fed up with the whole Trump presidency, decides to see how crazy he can take this photo shoot. He starts by subtly suggesting that Don Jr. could maybe wear something comfy, like a warm, cozy flannel. And could he do his hair like 1980s Michael Douglas? That would be great. And since the photo shoot might take a while, maybe he could slip on these comfortable, brand-new, weird-looking hiking boots (from the future?). Also, it’s a lovely day! Let’s go for a walk in the woods. Deep in the woods.
Once flanneled and in the woods, all the photographer needed was a delightful string of suggested poses and expressions,— and the amazing image was born:
Photographer: Hey! Look at this cool stump!
Trump Jr.: Is it a cool stump?
Photographer: Yes, trust me. I’m a professional, with a professional eye. Best stump I’ve ever seen.
Trump Jr.: Okay.
Photographer: Great. Yeah, just settle in. Let the stump become part of you. No, don’t smile. Instead, look into the distance and think about how sad you feel when poor people have access to healthcare. Yes! Perfect.
Trump Jr.: God, that though makes me feel so melancholy. Wait, do you think that my hand is too near my crotch?
Photographer: If anything, it’s too far away. And not limp enough. Can you pretend your hand is exhausted from your father’s continuous escapades? That. Is. Great.
Trump Jr.: I feel like this might be a little weird.
Photographer: You look fantastic. Everyone will be talking about this. Now can you sit more rigidly, as if you are wearing a back brace to make up for your spinelessness? You are a natural!
More: No Shame in Donald Trump Jr.’s Elephant Killing Game
Theory 2: Donald Trump Jr. wanted to look the exact opposite of his father in every way possible
There’s definitely at least a little truth to this. The profile discusses how the eldest Trump has always wanted to take his own path (through the woods?) and isn’t looking to follow in his father’s footsteps. Specifically, he took some time off to bartend after school, he’s partied in the past, he had a deep relationship with his rural Czechoslovakian grandfather, and he loves hunting to the point that most people are totally disgusted by his actions. Maybe, for this photo shoot, he just wanted to resist his father’s mold in every way possible. I can imagine this train of thought:
What is the exact opposite of a business suit? A flannel and jeans and hiking boots!
What is the opposite of a gold-plated chair in a tower? A big, gnarly stump!
What is the opposite of looking slightly constipated? Looking like you have to go, but you are in the middle of a photoshoot!
What is the opposite of really weird hair? Different really weird hair?
More: Donald Trump, Jr. & Vanessa’s Full House: Baby Five is a Girl
Theory 3: Donald Trump Jr. has been possessed by an alien only partially versed in human culture
This is obviously the perfect explanation — and the only one that really truly makes sense. In an effort to take over the United States, an alien attempted to invade the body and mind of Donald Trump. But he got kind of confused and invaded Donald Trump Jr. instead. Also, he learned everything possible about the American way of life from a single, tattered L. L. Bean catalogue from 1993. The result was a very odd photo shoot:
Photographer: Where would you like to shoot?
Trump Jr. alien: Human bodies sit on stumps.
Photographer: Okay… we could do that. It might be a little weird, but we could do that.
Trump Jr. alien: Where is your flannel covering, Earthling?
Photographer: Um, well I just wore a T-shirt.
Trump Jr. alien: What are the nuclear codes?
Photographer: Okay, well, I got a single picture. I think that’s plenty to work with. Thanks for your time.
Theory 4: He used the same photographer as Paul Ryan
Obviously, Trump Jr. saw these pictures of Paul Ryan and demanded the same artist capture his image.
as bizarre as 2017 in politics has been, can any of it truly surpass the sheer uncanny absurdity of that Paul Ryan workout photoshoot pic.twitter.com/4FztPbQV6z
— Maddie Bessemer (@sentiospoot) February 8, 2017
Also, the Paul Ryan photographer must be evil or liberal. Which brings us back to Theory No. 1. Or Paul Ryan is also possessed by a confused alien.
Here are a few other theories I enjoy:
Donald Trump Jr. looks like he got stood up again by his dad on their annual father-son camping trip. pic.twitter.com/huwsiMHlsc
— Classic Dad Moves (@ClassicDadMoves) March 19, 2017
Donald Trump Jr. looks like he’s posing for a new cologne called Entitlement. pic.twitter.com/B2iODvoH7A
— Matthew A. Cherry (@MatthewACherry) March 19, 2017
Donald Trump Jr. looks like his dog took him into the woods, dropped him off, and left him there. pic.twitter.com/INSXnnsD1e
— Bobby George (@BobbyGeorgee) March 19, 2017
Seriously. Seriously. How do you think that that picture of Donald Jr. possibly came to exist?
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